My best friend is in a sexual relationship, which she is very happy to be in, and I’m happy for her. I am in an asexual relationship, which I am also really happy to be in. Today she told me she’s ’trying not to hate on my choices’ but that sex is so great and beautiful when it’s with someone you love.
Really?! No kidding, it’s not like I hear that in every movie, tv show, society in general all the time.
I really didn’t need the first hand account.
(I explained why I was upset by her out of nowhere comment, and she realizes why it was a not-cool thing to say and apologized. Hooray for progress!)
I’ve been struggling to accept my grey-asexuality for 5 years, and I’m so tired. I’m tired of having to explain to people how can sex be not appealing to me, I’m tired of having to deal with them treating me like an alien, and I’m tired of missing out on beautiful, smart, charming women because I’m broken. Most of all, I’m tired of trying to convince myself I’m not broken after all.
I’ve never felt ashamed of labeling myself as asexual, except the first time I did it in public because I’m actually a demigrey, but I quickly grew out of that when I started to realize that I still fell on the asexual spectrum. And I’m so happy to have finally found the words to describe myself! (Asexual, Demigreysexual, greyromantic, lithromantic, demisensual…) I’ve honestly never had any problems with admitting my disinterest in sex, especially in a world where teenage pregnancy rates are high and young, unmarried and unsupported mothers (under 25) are horrendously common. I’m proud that I’m asexual, and not just because I feel that I will avoid that pitfall. I’m proud because I finally have a way to describe myself. That there’s a word for people like me, that if anyone is ever curious as to what my label means, they can just google it themselves. I’m so glad to finally feel like I belong in a world ripe of sexual images, where every TV show and movie that has a relationship is oftentimes shown just as sexual as it is romantic, if not more. And while that doesn’t erase the damage that does, it helps me cope in knowing that I’m not alone, and that I’m not weird or broken because of it. I’ve never really been popular enough that my asexuality has been problematic to others, and I’ve always been put-down enough that I don’t really notice when it’s different (ie; based on sexuality/gender/intelligence/etc), and maybe it’s because I’m still new to the ace community, but it doesn’t bother me about “fitting in” to the LBQTA group stuff. I mean, that stuff’s for people who want their sexualities noticed and accepted, and if I don’t even have a sexuality or an interest in it, why should I care about being noticed? I have plenty enough pride on my own, and I’ve always been this way. I only recently tested out and applied the labels that I felt fit me.
(Which, funnily enough, as a child, I always considered it weird that I never could find anyone else attractive. I always used to say that I felt my ability to judge attraction was based off how well I knew them, and that those who were mean or abusive to me I found significantly less attractive than those who I didn’t yet know. Which leads me to believe that I have always been demi and had never had the opportunity to discover it until recently, after the need for labels has gone away)
All that said, I’m still a little sad that no one has ever found me attractive, both sexually and romantically. I know that I won’t ever really return the feeling and that I’m probably waaaaay better off for never having been looked at, but there’s so much worth that’s put into being found attractive that it sucks just a little.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m asexual. Asexual Heteromantic.
I want a relationship, cuddling and kissing, and I’m ok with the idea of having sex with someone that I love. These are the reasons that I thought I was sexual at first, but then I heard of a strange concept called ‘sexual attraction’. The desire to have sex with another after merely catching a glimpse of them. I can honestly say I have never felt that way for someone, not even the guys I’ve crushed on.
My crushes even were purely emotional, always in my chest with this overflowing feeling like it was going to burst (cliche I know). And whenever I admired them (or anyone for that matter), it was always aesthetic attraction.
Even the word ‘sexy’ means something different to me, as in ‘so beautiful and extremely pleasing to the eye’.
I’ve felt arousal, I’ve been turned on, but I’ve never had sex or been in a relationship. I don’t feel I’m ready or wanting for any of those experiences, but the subtle impressions from family and friends imply I should be wanting a boyfriend, I should want to have sex and get married right away and have children. As a matter of fact, I don’t. At least not now, I’m too young, and though not as impressionable, still immature enough to make poor decisions.
But I’m glad I’ve found a community to hold onto. I’m tired of thinking that I’m the only person in the world who has ever felt like they are seeing and feeling a completely different world than what others have experienced.
Before joining Tumblr and educating myself, I didn’t know there was a such thing as asexuality or demisexuality. I knew about the LBGT community and I even am best friends with someone who is bisexual. I knew that when it came to me and sexual encounters/attraction, I didn’t understand the whole concept of why some people desired it so much and I knew I was different. When my friends and I would walk by someone in public, they would say something like “Oh my God, did you see how hot she was?!” or “She had a nice figure” and I never understood how they could automatically be attracted sexually to someone/something they see because when I look at someone, I see them as person, never something sexual that’s attractive to me. It’s like the “sexual part” of my brain doesn’t turn on until I get extremely close with someone. I thought for a while that I was bisexual, but then I came to realize that it would just be romantic feelings I felt towards women and men both. Otherwise, I don’t feel much of anything for anyone honestly unless there is a bond. This would explain why I became sexually attracted to my best guy friend. For years, I never understood why I never felt these things with anyone else. Only recently, I started having those weird feelings again with my closest friend (who is a girl). Now, because of tumblr and my research, I understand why. I discovered that I am a Biromantic-demisexual.
For years I’ve known I was different, but I never imagined I was asexual. Growing up, I was shy and introverted, and preferred the company of cats to a crowd of people. My relatives and everyone I know was always trying to get me to “come out of my shell” and “make new friends” and now that I am past sixteen, they want me to “find a guy.” This summer I was set up with a guy who liked me by people from my church. I thought I liked him, too, though I quickly realized that I was NOT interested in him, only interested in the fact that someone was attracted to me. Even so, when we had a long conversation for the first time, I expected to feel something. But mostly I wanted him to stop flirting with me and try to be my friend instead. I knew what he was doing, and it was annoying, and it annoyed me when others teased me about it because I didn’t even like him back. They all just assumed that I would magically “open up” or something. In the end, the guy turned out to be a floater. Once he realized I wasn’t interested in his games, he started crushing on my sister, who is guy-crazy and was immediately “in love” with him. I wasn’t even upset since I hadn’t developed any feelings for the boy. But it disgusted me to find how shallow people can be.
After that exhausting experience I began earnestly questioning myself, wondering if there was really something wrong with me. I announced to my family and friends that I’m just not going to date until I’m 25 because it doesn’t interest me at all right now. Now I’m thinking that maybe it never will. That being said, I have always had a longing to just be held by the person I love - to be close to them and share a deep bond that doesn’t have to be expressed through sexual acts. When I fantasize about perfect love, sex doesn’t come into the picture. It actually turns me off and makes me feel dirty. My most romantic dream EVER was just of me and my lover (whoever he was) taking a shower, talking and washing each others’ hair - I was on cloud nine for days after the dream - and one of my worst nightmares involved going to a party and having sex with someone I didn’t know. Pretty revealing now that I look back on it!
Also, for some reason genitalia grosses me out and I don’t even like my own private parts that much - sometimes I feel like I would be happier without breasts, nipples, or a vagina. That sounds extreme but it’s the honest truth. That’s why I think clothes are awesome, because you don’t have to show all that nasty stuff. As a result, I personally can’t understand people who barely wear a yard of fabric. And while I don’t feel sexual attraction towards people, I am always finding the beautiful parts of them. I am in awe of the human body. I love the lines, the shape, the delicacy… I just don’t like all the nasty bits very much.
So yeah, I’m asexual, and it’s quite a relief to know. Thanks for listening, world… sorry if my thoughts are a bit jumbled. I’m just so excited and relieved to put myself into words.
No One Warned Me it Would be Hard
I’m pretty sure I’m asexual heteroromantic. I just don’t know how to tell everyone. I’m a bit afraid of the “you’ll grow out of it” excuse because I’m only in high school, but I keep realizing just the thought of having sex with a guy I respect and like is almost crippling, I can’t think about it because something just feels wrong. So I doubt I’m a “late bloomer,” but…
I didn’t think coming out as asexual would be so hard.
For years, I always felt different. Like my sexuality wasn’t ‘normal’. But this past year that’s all changed. Now that I’ve finally identified myself as a biromantic-demisexual, I feel a freedom I’ve never felt before. I know what I am now, and I’m at peace with myself. I’d like to thank the ace community not just on tumblr, but on the internet as a whole. Without you all, I wouldn’t know who I am. Thank you.
I find one of the hardest things about living as an ace (doubly so if you’re not aromantic) is being in a very sexual society, especially when you’re young and you have the libido of a dead squirrel most of the time. My ex was very sexual, but I wasn’t, and even though he was always very understanding about it, it always bothered me that I could never satisfy him in that way. I always dreaded to fulfill the stereotype of being the girlfriend who didn’t put out and I was upset when I figured out I was becoming that stereotype. (We broke up for different reasons, though).
Even now, I find my lack of libido a problem. Sometimes it’ll be there and I try to warn the guy I was flirting with that I wasn’t always this sexual, but he didn’t listen. Now he’s miserable because he thinks he’s undesirable and I just don’t know how to make him believe that it isn’t him. For once, the problem isn’t in the man being unattractive - it’s in the girl who loves to talk more than she likes to flirt. I wish I could take away the pain I’ve caused without meaning to from the people I’ve loved.
Even though I’m asexual, I want to get pregnant by someone specific at times.
The first other asexual person I ever met quickly became my best friend. I was apparently only the second asexual person he’d ever met, too, and the other one he’d only met briefly. We hit it off right away, connecting not just over our similar orientations but quickly discovering that we had similar music tastes, political views, etc.
A few months ago, one of our mutual friends came out as asexual. I was at first super proud of her and super excited to have someone else to share experiences with. However, after she came out, my once-best friend completely stopped asking to hang out, and usually blew me off when I wanted to hang out with him. He’d say he was busy all the time, but our friend, the one who’d recently come out, would casually mention hanging out with him pretty often. I’m worried that he only hung out with me because I was asexual, and not because of shared interests or a close bond or any of the things I felt, and once another asexual person came into his life, he completely stopped having any interest in me, and that really stings.
I’ve been dumped over being asexual several times, but this feels a million times worse. I really miss my best friend, I keep trying to convince myself this isn’t really happening but there’s so much evidence that I can’t ignore it.