Ace Secrets
No One Warned Me it Would be Hard

I’m pretty sure I’m asexual heteroromantic. I just don’t know how to tell everyone. I’m a bit afraid of the “you’ll grow out of it” excuse because I’m only in high school, but I keep realizing just the thought of having sex with a guy I respect and like is almost crippling, I can’t think about it because something just feels wrong. So I doubt I’m a “late bloomer,” but…

I didn’t think coming out as asexual would be so hard.

For years, I always felt different. Like my sexuality wasn’t ‘normal’. But this past year that’s all changed. Now that I’ve finally identified myself as a biromantic-demisexual, I feel a freedom I’ve never felt before. I know what I am now, and I’m at peace with myself. I’d like to thank the ace community not just on tumblr, but on the internet as a whole. Without you all, I wouldn’t know who I am. Thank you.

I find one of the hardest things about living as an ace (doubly so if you’re not aromantic) is being in a very sexual society, especially when you’re young and you have the libido of a dead squirrel most of the time. My ex was very sexual, but I wasn’t, and even though he was always very understanding about it, it always bothered me that I could never satisfy him in that way. I always dreaded to fulfill the stereotype of being the girlfriend who didn’t put out and I was upset when I figured out I was becoming that stereotype. (We broke up for different reasons, though).
Even now, I find my lack of libido a problem. Sometimes it’ll be there and I try to warn the guy I was flirting with that I wasn’t always this sexual, but he didn’t listen. Now he’s miserable because he thinks he’s undesirable and I just don’t know how to make him believe that it isn’t him. For once, the problem isn’t in the man being unattractive - it’s in the girl who loves to talk more than she likes to flirt. I wish I could take away the pain I’ve caused without meaning to from the people I’ve loved.

I find one of the hardest things about living as an ace (doubly so if you’re not aromantic) is being in a very sexual society, especially when you’re young and you have the libido of a dead squirrel most of the time. My ex was very sexual, but I wasn’t, and even though he was always very understanding about it, it always bothered me that I could never satisfy him in that way. I always dreaded to fulfill the stereotype of being the girlfriend who didn’t put out and I was upset when I figured out I was becoming that stereotype. (We broke up for different reasons, though).

Even now, I find my lack of libido a problem. Sometimes it’ll be there and I try to warn the guy I was flirting with that I wasn’t always this sexual, but he didn’t listen. Now he’s miserable because he thinks he’s undesirable and I just don’t know how to make him believe that it isn’t him. For once, the problem isn’t in the man being unattractive - it’s in the girl who loves to talk more than she likes to flirt. I wish I could take away the pain I’ve caused without meaning to from the people I’ve loved.

Even though I’m asexual, I want to get pregnant by someone specific at times.

Even though I’m asexual, I want to get pregnant by someone specific at times.

The first other asexual person I ever met quickly became my best friend. I was apparently only the second asexual person he’d ever met, too, and the other one he’d only met briefly. We hit it off right away, connecting not just over our similar orientations but quickly discovering that we had similar music tastes, political views, etc.
A few months ago, one of our mutual friends came out as asexual. I was at first super proud of her and super excited to have someone else to share experiences with. However, after she came out, my once-best friend completely stopped asking to hang out, and usually blew me off when I wanted to hang out with him. He’d say he was busy all the time, but our friend, the one who’d recently come out, would casually mention hanging out with him pretty often. I’m worried that he only hung out with me because I was asexual, and not because of shared interests or a close bond or any of the things I felt, and once another asexual person came into his life, he completely stopped having any interest in me, and that really stings. 
I’ve been dumped over being asexual several times, but this feels a million times worse. I really miss my best friend, I keep trying to convince myself this isn’t really happening but there’s so much evidence that I can’t ignore it.

The first other asexual person I ever met quickly became my best friend. I was apparently only the second asexual person he’d ever met, too, and the other one he’d only met briefly. We hit it off right away, connecting not just over our similar orientations but quickly discovering that we had similar music tastes, political views, etc.

A few months ago, one of our mutual friends came out as asexual. I was at first super proud of her and super excited to have someone else to share experiences with. However, after she came out, my once-best friend completely stopped asking to hang out, and usually blew me off when I wanted to hang out with him. He’d say he was busy all the time, but our friend, the one who’d recently come out, would casually mention hanging out with him pretty often. I’m worried that he only hung out with me because I was asexual, and not because of shared interests or a close bond or any of the things I felt, and once another asexual person came into his life, he completely stopped having any interest in me, and that really stings. 

I’ve been dumped over being asexual several times, but this feels a million times worse. I really miss my best friend, I keep trying to convince myself this isn’t really happening but there’s so much evidence that I can’t ignore it.

I like my sexuality: being ace/aro has defined me in more ways than I could imagine, but it’s achingly lonely. I can’t connect with anyone. It’s always been all or nothing for me in terms of relationships, but now I just want a little bit of something. 
But the other side of the bed is always going to be empty and there’s always going to be a hole in my stomach that someone won’t fill because there isn’t enough consistency there.
A lot of the time I wish I could find that special connection: that spark that sends butterflies. But there will never be anyone like that for me.
Everyone is obsessed with the idea of heteronormative love, and the romance and the sex and happiness that comes with it. But I just want  love - no silver lining, no back-up plan - just a hand to hold when we’re walking and their jumper to wear when I’m cold.

I like my sexuality: being ace/aro has defined me in more ways than I could imagine, but it’s achingly lonely. I can’t connect with anyone. It’s always been all or nothing for me in terms of relationships, but now I just want a little bit of something.

But the other side of the bed is always going to be empty and there’s always going to be a hole in my stomach that someone won’t fill because there isn’t enough consistency there.

A lot of the time I wish I could find that special connection: that spark that sends butterflies. But there will never be anyone like that for me.

Everyone is obsessed with the idea of heteronormative love, and the romance and the sex and happiness that comes with it. But I just want  love - no silver lining, no back-up plan - just a hand to hold when we’re walking and their jumper to wear when I’m cold.

Today, I told my grandmother that I am asexual. She grinned, patted my knee, and said, “Good for you, sweetie! I’m glad you shared this part of yourself with me. Life’s just too doggone short to be hiding who you are.” I expected to, at the very least, have to explain it, and at the worst to be laughed off. I’m glad to say that the opposite of what I expected happened!

I used to think I was pansexual, but now I know I’m ace. I’m terrified that people will say that I’m not or I’m just “need the right person” and even more terrified that they’d be right.

I’m always worried that I’ll never find someone with whom to be in a romantic relationship.  I’m demiromantic asexual and I find it very difficult to connect with people emotionally.  I am aware that I’m not a very easy person to get to know and remain friends with.  The number of people who’ve stayed in my life for more than two years can be counted on a single hand.  Where am I going to find someone who can still like me after all of my inadequacies and be accepting of my asexuality?  I’m often convinced that “the right guy” simply doesn’t exist.  I’m a logical, scientific person and the odds of befriending someone I’d fall in love with and who would fall in love with me are so tiny that I’m left to despair.
On top of that, even if I did manage to find this majestic unicorn of a man, how would I deal with other people when it came to our relationship?  Everyone would assume we were having sex and if I said that we weren’t, many people would start questioning and criticizing our relationship.  I’ve met enough acephobes already to know what the responses would be.  “You’re not really his girlfriend if you aren’t having sex with him.” “You’re being unfair to him, trapping him in a relationship with no sex.” “Are you waiting until marriage?” “He’s going to cheat on you if you won’t have sex with him.” “It’s not going to work out if you carry on like that, honey.” I don’t know if I can handle that all the time in addition to all of my other problems.
I am a cynical, lonely, frustrated ace and I wish it was in my nature to hope.

I’m always worried that I’ll never find someone with whom to be in a romantic relationship.  I’m demiromantic asexual and I find it very difficult to connect with people emotionally.  I am aware that I’m not a very easy person to get to know and remain friends with.  The number of people who’ve stayed in my life for more than two years can be counted on a single hand.  Where am I going to find someone who can still like me after all of my inadequacies and be accepting of my asexuality?  I’m often convinced that “the right guy” simply doesn’t exist.  I’m a logical, scientific person and the odds of befriending someone I’d fall in love with and who would fall in love with me are so tiny that I’m left to despair.

On top of that, even if I did manage to find this majestic unicorn of a man, how would I deal with other people when it came to our relationship?  Everyone would assume we were having sex and if I said that we weren’t, many people would start questioning and criticizing our relationship.  I’ve met enough acephobes already to know what the responses would be.  “You’re not really his girlfriend if you aren’t having sex with him.” “You’re being unfair to him, trapping him in a relationship with no sex.” “Are you waiting until marriage?” “He’s going to cheat on you if you won’t have sex with him.” “It’s not going to work out if you carry on like that, honey.” I don’t know if I can handle that all the time in addition to all of my other problems.

I am a cynical, lonely, frustrated ace and I wish it was in my nature to hope.

[I’d like a background image, but I don’t know what :( ]

I thought I was a straight male.  Thought.
I now know that I’m asexual (sex repulsed).  And I think I’m biromantic.
But, while I might let a girl have sex with me, I don’t think I’d ever let a guy.

Does that make me a homophobe??

I read the Fifty Shades of Grey series in hopes that is would reveal some hidden heterosexuality in me. Or some reaction of repugnance that would turn me towards women. All that happened was me being bewildered and amused at the strangeness of  the many sex scenes.

I read the Fifty Shades of Grey series in hopes that is would reveal some hidden heterosexuality in me. Or some reaction of repugnance that would turn me towards women. All that happened was me being bewildered and amused at the strangeness of  the many sex scenes.

I used to be heterosexual, but I have been asexual for some time now.  I worry that people I care about won’t believe me when I come out to them.  Half of the people I’ve told haven’t.It’s not a phase.
[Background: Asexual four-colour flag]

I used to be heterosexual, but I have been asexual for some time now.  I worry that people I care about won’t believe me when I come out to them.  Half of the people I’ve told haven’t.

It’s not a phase.


[Background: Asexual four-colour flag]

I’m pretty sure I’m Ace/Aro. Most of the time, I’m pretty sure I have never been sexually or romantically attracted to anyone. However, I’m also pretty a-social. My childhood was a bit messed up - not massively, but my low self-esteem, distrust of people to the extent that I have a negative physical reaction to being complimented and the fact that my main coping mechanism to any negative social interaction is to leave means that I find it really difficult to form social relationships with people - especially offline. This has got me wondering - what if I have actually experienced attraction to people, but have just repressed it so far down inside me that I don’t remember it? I don’t interact with people enough to have had a chance for it to happen often or strongly, statistically speaking, and I can’t honestly thing of a way to disprove that that’s what’s been happening, and it makes me feel more like shit than usual.

I’m pretty sure I’m Ace/Aro. Most of the time, I’m pretty sure I have never been sexually or romantically attracted to anyone. However, I’m also pretty a-social. My childhood was a bit messed up - not massively, but my low self-esteem, distrust of people to the extent that I have a negative physical reaction to being complimented and the fact that my main coping mechanism to any negative social interaction is to leave means that I find it really difficult to form social relationships with people - especially offline. This has got me wondering - what if I have actually experienced attraction to people, but have just repressed it so far down inside me that I don’t remember it? I don’t interact with people enough to have had a chance for it to happen often or strongly, statistically speaking, and I can’t honestly thing of a way to disprove that that’s what’s been happening, and it makes me feel more like shit than usual.

I realized I was asexual yesterday. I’m in my mid twenties, I’ve had sex and relationships before and I began to identify as polyamorous at the beginning of this year, hoping it might resolve some of my ongoing problems with relationships. Polyamory actually did help me; the partners I meant were generally more accommodating (for understandable reasons) for the weeks or months were I had no interest in being intimate or even romantic.

It’s kind of funny how I can write this all very plainly, but didn’t realize or identify as an asexual or aromantic (or somewhere on those spectrums) before. I think I just didn’t genuinely recognize that, even though I don’t dislike sex, I… actually don’t even know what sexual attraction is. I read other descriptions of it and could only compare it to my aesthetic attraction to people, or the desire to be close or intimate with them in a sensual or platonic way. 

So, hi, I’m a new asexual, possibly also a demi femme romantic? It’s actually a lot scarier to me than when I realize I was queer, but it’s still new, and I’m really grateful for resources like that. 

queersecrets:

[image: still from Panic! at the Disco’s Girls/Girls/Boys video depicting Brendon Urie, naked from the waist up.  Text: “I’m asexual.”  ”But… I’m also hella attracted to Brendon Urie.”  In smaller text: “He’d be such a great fuck.”]

queersecrets:

[image: still from Panic! at the Disco’s Girls/Girls/Boys video depicting Brendon Urie, naked from the waist up.  Text: “I’m asexual.”  ”But… I’m also hella attracted to Brendon Urie.”  In smaller text: “He’d be such a great fuck.”]

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