Ace Secrets

Before joining Tumblr and educating myself, I didn’t know there was a such thing as asexuality or demisexuality. I knew about the LBGT community and I even am best friends with someone who is bisexual. I knew that when it came to me and sexual encounters/attraction, I didn’t understand the whole concept of why some people desired it so much and I knew I was different. When my friends and I would walk by someone in public, they would say something like “Oh my God, did you see how hot she was?!” or “She had a nice figure” and I never understood how they could automatically be attracted sexually to someone/something they see because when I look at someone, I see them as person, never something sexual that’s attractive to me. It’s like the “sexual part” of my brain doesn’t turn on until I get extremely close with someone. I thought for a while that I was bisexual, but then I came to realize that it would just be romantic feelings I felt towards women and men both. Otherwise, I don’t feel much of anything for anyone honestly unless there is a bond. This would explain why I became sexually attracted to my best guy friend. For years, I never understood why I never felt these things with anyone else. Only recently, I started having those weird feelings again with my closest friend (who is a girl). Now, because of tumblr and my research, I understand why. I discovered that I am a Biromantic-demisexual.

For years I’ve known I was different, but I never imagined I was asexual. Growing up, I was shy and introverted, and preferred the company of cats to a crowd of people. My relatives and everyone I know was always trying to get me to “come out of my shell” and “make new friends” and now that I am past sixteen, they want me to “find a guy.” This summer I was set up with a guy who liked me by people from my church. I thought I liked him, too, though I quickly realized that I was NOT interested in him, only interested in the fact that someone was attracted to me. Even so, when we had a long conversation for the first time, I expected to feel something. But mostly I wanted him to stop flirting with me and try to be my friend instead. I knew what he was doing, and it was annoying, and it annoyed me when others teased me about it because I didn’t even like him back. They all just assumed that I would magically “open up” or something. In the end, the guy turned out to be a floater. Once he realized I wasn’t interested in his games, he started crushing on my sister, who is guy-crazy and was immediately “in love” with him. I wasn’t even upset since I hadn’t developed any feelings for the boy. But it disgusted me to find how shallow people can be.

After that exhausting experience I began earnestly questioning myself, wondering if there was really something wrong with me. I announced to my family and friends that I’m just not going to date until I’m 25 because it doesn’t interest me at all right now. Now I’m thinking that maybe it never will. That being said, I have always had a longing to just be held by the person I love - to be close to them and share a deep bond that doesn’t have to be expressed through sexual acts. When I fantasize about perfect love, sex doesn’t come into the picture. It actually turns me off and makes me feel dirty. My most romantic dream EVER was just of me and my lover (whoever he was) taking a shower, talking and washing each others’ hair - I was on cloud nine for days after the dream - and one of my worst nightmares involved going to a party and having sex with someone I didn’t know. Pretty revealing now that I look back on it!

Also, for some reason genitalia grosses me out and I don’t even like my own private parts that much - sometimes I feel like I would be happier without breasts, nipples, or a vagina. That sounds extreme but it’s the honest truth. That’s why I think clothes are awesome, because you don’t have to show all that nasty stuff. As a result, I personally can’t understand people who barely wear a yard of fabric. And while I don’t feel sexual attraction towards people, I am always finding the beautiful parts of them. I am in awe of the human body. I love the lines, the shape, the delicacy… I just don’t like all the nasty bits very much.

So yeah, I’m asexual, and it’s quite a relief to know. Thanks for listening, world… sorry if my thoughts are a bit jumbled. I’m just so excited and relieved to put myself into words.

Share it with Ace Secrets!

No One Warned Me it Would be Hard

I’m pretty sure I’m asexual heteroromantic. I just don’t know how to tell everyone. I’m a bit afraid of the “you’ll grow out of it” excuse because I’m only in high school, but I keep realizing just the thought of having sex with a guy I respect and like is almost crippling, I can’t think about it because something just feels wrong. So I doubt I’m a “late bloomer,” but…

I didn’t think coming out as asexual would be so hard.

For years, I always felt different. Like my sexuality wasn’t ‘normal’. But this past year that’s all changed. Now that I’ve finally identified myself as a biromantic-demisexual, I feel a freedom I’ve never felt before. I know what I am now, and I’m at peace with myself. I’d like to thank the ace community not just on tumblr, but on the internet as a whole. Without you all, I wouldn’t know who I am. Thank you.

I find one of the hardest things about living as an ace (doubly so if you’re not aromantic) is being in a very sexual society, especially when you’re young and you have the libido of a dead squirrel most of the time. My ex was very sexual, but I wasn’t, and even though he was always very understanding about it, it always bothered me that I could never satisfy him in that way. I always dreaded to fulfill the stereotype of being the girlfriend who didn’t put out and I was upset when I figured out I was becoming that stereotype. (We broke up for different reasons, though).
Even now, I find my lack of libido a problem. Sometimes it’ll be there and I try to warn the guy I was flirting with that I wasn’t always this sexual, but he didn’t listen. Now he’s miserable because he thinks he’s undesirable and I just don’t know how to make him believe that it isn’t him. For once, the problem isn’t in the man being unattractive - it’s in the girl who loves to talk more than she likes to flirt. I wish I could take away the pain I’ve caused without meaning to from the people I’ve loved.

I find one of the hardest things about living as an ace (doubly so if you’re not aromantic) is being in a very sexual society, especially when you’re young and you have the libido of a dead squirrel most of the time. My ex was very sexual, but I wasn’t, and even though he was always very understanding about it, it always bothered me that I could never satisfy him in that way. I always dreaded to fulfill the stereotype of being the girlfriend who didn’t put out and I was upset when I figured out I was becoming that stereotype. (We broke up for different reasons, though).

Even now, I find my lack of libido a problem. Sometimes it’ll be there and I try to warn the guy I was flirting with that I wasn’t always this sexual, but he didn’t listen. Now he’s miserable because he thinks he’s undesirable and I just don’t know how to make him believe that it isn’t him. For once, the problem isn’t in the man being unattractive - it’s in the girl who loves to talk more than she likes to flirt. I wish I could take away the pain I’ve caused without meaning to from the people I’ve loved.

Even though I’m asexual, I want to get pregnant by someone specific at times.

Even though I’m asexual, I want to get pregnant by someone specific at times.

The first other asexual person I ever met quickly became my best friend. I was apparently only the second asexual person he’d ever met, too, and the other one he’d only met briefly. We hit it off right away, connecting not just over our similar orientations but quickly discovering that we had similar music tastes, political views, etc.
A few months ago, one of our mutual friends came out as asexual. I was at first super proud of her and super excited to have someone else to share experiences with. However, after she came out, my once-best friend completely stopped asking to hang out, and usually blew me off when I wanted to hang out with him. He’d say he was busy all the time, but our friend, the one who’d recently come out, would casually mention hanging out with him pretty often. I’m worried that he only hung out with me because I was asexual, and not because of shared interests or a close bond or any of the things I felt, and once another asexual person came into his life, he completely stopped having any interest in me, and that really stings. 
I’ve been dumped over being asexual several times, but this feels a million times worse. I really miss my best friend, I keep trying to convince myself this isn’t really happening but there’s so much evidence that I can’t ignore it.

The first other asexual person I ever met quickly became my best friend. I was apparently only the second asexual person he’d ever met, too, and the other one he’d only met briefly. We hit it off right away, connecting not just over our similar orientations but quickly discovering that we had similar music tastes, political views, etc.

A few months ago, one of our mutual friends came out as asexual. I was at first super proud of her and super excited to have someone else to share experiences with. However, after she came out, my once-best friend completely stopped asking to hang out, and usually blew me off when I wanted to hang out with him. He’d say he was busy all the time, but our friend, the one who’d recently come out, would casually mention hanging out with him pretty often. I’m worried that he only hung out with me because I was asexual, and not because of shared interests or a close bond or any of the things I felt, and once another asexual person came into his life, he completely stopped having any interest in me, and that really stings. 

I’ve been dumped over being asexual several times, but this feels a million times worse. I really miss my best friend, I keep trying to convince myself this isn’t really happening but there’s so much evidence that I can’t ignore it.

I like my sexuality: being ace/aro has defined me in more ways than I could imagine, but it’s achingly lonely. I can’t connect with anyone. It’s always been all or nothing for me in terms of relationships, but now I just want a little bit of something. 
But the other side of the bed is always going to be empty and there’s always going to be a hole in my stomach that someone won’t fill because there isn’t enough consistency there.
A lot of the time I wish I could find that special connection: that spark that sends butterflies. But there will never be anyone like that for me.
Everyone is obsessed with the idea of heteronormative love, and the romance and the sex and happiness that comes with it. But I just want  love - no silver lining, no back-up plan - just a hand to hold when we’re walking and their jumper to wear when I’m cold.

I like my sexuality: being ace/aro has defined me in more ways than I could imagine, but it’s achingly lonely. I can’t connect with anyone. It’s always been all or nothing for me in terms of relationships, but now I just want a little bit of something.

But the other side of the bed is always going to be empty and there’s always going to be a hole in my stomach that someone won’t fill because there isn’t enough consistency there.

A lot of the time I wish I could find that special connection: that spark that sends butterflies. But there will never be anyone like that for me.

Everyone is obsessed with the idea of heteronormative love, and the romance and the sex and happiness that comes with it. But I just want  love - no silver lining, no back-up plan - just a hand to hold when we’re walking and their jumper to wear when I’m cold.

Today, I told my grandmother that I am asexual. She grinned, patted my knee, and said, “Good for you, sweetie! I’m glad you shared this part of yourself with me. Life’s just too doggone short to be hiding who you are.” I expected to, at the very least, have to explain it, and at the worst to be laughed off. I’m glad to say that the opposite of what I expected happened!

I used to think I was pansexual, but now I know I’m ace. I’m terrified that people will say that I’m not or I’m just “need the right person” and even more terrified that they’d be right.

I’m always worried that I’ll never find someone with whom to be in a romantic relationship.  I’m demiromantic asexual and I find it very difficult to connect with people emotionally.  I am aware that I’m not a very easy person to get to know and remain friends with.  The number of people who’ve stayed in my life for more than two years can be counted on a single hand.  Where am I going to find someone who can still like me after all of my inadequacies and be accepting of my asexuality?  I’m often convinced that “the right guy” simply doesn’t exist.  I’m a logical, scientific person and the odds of befriending someone I’d fall in love with and who would fall in love with me are so tiny that I’m left to despair.
On top of that, even if I did manage to find this majestic unicorn of a man, how would I deal with other people when it came to our relationship?  Everyone would assume we were having sex and if I said that we weren’t, many people would start questioning and criticizing our relationship.  I’ve met enough acephobes already to know what the responses would be.  “You’re not really his girlfriend if you aren’t having sex with him.” “You’re being unfair to him, trapping him in a relationship with no sex.” “Are you waiting until marriage?” “He’s going to cheat on you if you won’t have sex with him.” “It’s not going to work out if you carry on like that, honey.” I don’t know if I can handle that all the time in addition to all of my other problems.
I am a cynical, lonely, frustrated ace and I wish it was in my nature to hope.

I’m always worried that I’ll never find someone with whom to be in a romantic relationship.  I’m demiromantic asexual and I find it very difficult to connect with people emotionally.  I am aware that I’m not a very easy person to get to know and remain friends with.  The number of people who’ve stayed in my life for more than two years can be counted on a single hand.  Where am I going to find someone who can still like me after all of my inadequacies and be accepting of my asexuality?  I’m often convinced that “the right guy” simply doesn’t exist.  I’m a logical, scientific person and the odds of befriending someone I’d fall in love with and who would fall in love with me are so tiny that I’m left to despair.

On top of that, even if I did manage to find this majestic unicorn of a man, how would I deal with other people when it came to our relationship?  Everyone would assume we were having sex and if I said that we weren’t, many people would start questioning and criticizing our relationship.  I’ve met enough acephobes already to know what the responses would be.  “You’re not really his girlfriend if you aren’t having sex with him.” “You’re being unfair to him, trapping him in a relationship with no sex.” “Are you waiting until marriage?” “He’s going to cheat on you if you won’t have sex with him.” “It’s not going to work out if you carry on like that, honey.” I don’t know if I can handle that all the time in addition to all of my other problems.

I am a cynical, lonely, frustrated ace and I wish it was in my nature to hope.

[I’d like a background image, but I don’t know what :( ]

I thought I was a straight male.  Thought.
I now know that I’m asexual (sex repulsed).  And I think I’m biromantic.
But, while I might let a girl have sex with me, I don’t think I’d ever let a guy.

Does that make me a homophobe??

Use the Ask for questions/comments only, DO NOT use the Ask to submit text secrets, please use the Submit page instead